Recently, a group of kids was playing in our backyard. I was inside making dinner. At one point the pitch got high, so I walked outside.
The kids were on the trampoline. Karuna was standing in the center, facing an older girl who was sitting with her back against the net. The older girl was urging Karuna to jump on her. Karuna was hesitant. ‘I don’t want to get hurt,’ she said.
The older girl immediately shot back, ‘Well, what about me? Aren’t you worried about me getting hurt?’
This girl was trying to start a game where one kid (currently herself) sat against the trampoline net while the other kids took turns jumping on her. I couldn’t understand why this was fun, but the kids seemed to enjoy it. Until Karuna paused, assessed the situation, and said ‘I don’t want to get hurt.’
Her logic was solid. Jumping on another kid is likely to end in pain. But the older girl was determined to make Karuna wrong.
‘Yeah, but what about me?!’ she demanded again. ‘You’re only thinking about yourself. That’s not kind!’
Karuna was flustered, so I stepped in.
‘Karuna was doing the right thing,’ I said. ‘She was looking out for herself. She recognized that she might get hurt, so she stopped playing the game. There is nothing wrong with that.’
The older girl narrowed her eyes.
‘Yeah, but Karuna was being selfish!’ she said. ‘She wasn’t even thinking about me! I could have gotten hurt, too!’
I said, ‘She didn’t need to think about you. She is responsible for herself. You are responsible for yourself. If you are worried about getting hurt, move your body.’
She continued to glare. ‘It just seems really rude,’ she said.
‘It’s not rude,’ I said. ‘You have the option of moving. No one is making you stay. If you’re worried about getting hurt, stand up. Karuna was worried about getting hurt, so she stopped participating. That’s fair.’
‘Yeah, but that means she’s not thinking of other people!’ she said.
‘She doesn’t have to think of other people first,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t work that way. If she is afraid of getting hurt, she has the right to move. This does not equate to her neglecting your feelings. Your feelings are your responsibility.’
I see this happen all the time. The subtle manipulation that seeks to put a child (or a woman) in her place by insisting she be ‘kind.’ The entire Good Girl complex is built on this training.
I do not partake.
You will never see me model self-abandonment just to make someone more comfortable.
I will not domesticate my daughter so much that she cannot stand up for herself.
Kindness is not my highest priority when it means overriding truth and instinct.
There is a certain coherence necessary to survive in groups.
AND.
We must support our daughters when they can feel that something is off, rather than shaming them or asking them to defer to ‘kindness’ when it means sacrificing their own wellbeing.
We must be very careful where we’re asking our girls to override their no, because if they don’t have a solid no, their yes means nothing.
As women and mothers, we are taught to put everyone else first. We pass this distortion on to our daughters if we do not correct it in ourselves first. When we teach them that they are selfish for meeting their needs, we set them up for a lifetime of misalignment.
I am all about cohesion. Believe me, I teach my daughter to respect the space she’s in, the people around her, and the acoustic of the room. I want her to thrive in groups- and she does- but I will never teach her to swallow her truth in order to make someone else happy.
I measure my success in parenting my daughter by the value she places on her intuition, not her ability to blend into crowds.
As mothers, we have the opportunity to model alignment to our daughters. We get to show them what it looks like to thrive. We can practice prioritizing our intuition until it is stronger than any other voice. When we do so, we will naturally back the innate knowing in our daughters. This is a natural, life-giving loop.
Beginning in March, I am offering WRITING MOTHERHOOD. This five-week course explores the way that we mother our children. Through writing, we will activate self-reflection and inner knowing. This will put you on a path to greater clarity and rightness. You will be a better mother for having joined.
To register or learn more, click here.
Love,
Sarah
Beautiful Sarah ❤️
So so good, wow. Thank you for writing this!