I do not enable tantrums.
Although I am a teacher of embodiment, and I always encourage my students and children to feel their feelings, I do not tolerate excessive screaming or dysregulation. I have taught my children from a young age to work intelligently with their emotions. They are very regulated kids.
I let kids feel their feelings, and as soon as they are emptied out, we begin again. I can feel the moment the initial emotion has passed and it turns into performance or manipulation. I don’t tolerate that for a second. That’s why my kids don’t do it.
There is a fine line between letting kids feel their feelings and letting a kid’s dysregulation take over the room. You have to be in tune with your own energy to feel this distinction.
I am a full advocate for feeling your feelings. But there is a point at which one’s feelings become an expression of their painbody. Now, instead of legitimately emptying out, a child is pushing or pumping the emotion. They are using the tantrum to get what they want.
When a child does this in my care, this is how I respond:
-I stay very present in my body.
-I pull all of my attention into the moment. I imagine that a rod of power is beaming down through my crown chakra and connecting me solidly to the earth. I do not budge from that spot.
-I witness the child in their dysregulation but I refuse to be pulled into it. If anything, I become more solid.
-When there is a break in the tantrum, even for a moment, I step in. I communicate directly with the child. I do not coddle or babytalk. I assess the situation and give them their options.
For example:
‘You are in a room full of people. Your screaming hurts everyone’s ears. If you continue to scream, I’m going to move you to another room. You can cry for as long as you want, but not right here.’
Now the kid has a choice, and we are on a trajectory that honors their agency and the other people in the room.
My house is the neighborhood hotspot. Kids love coming over to play.
We have a big backyard trampoline. We host regular cookie-decorating parties. And the living room is the spot to be if you’re into Zelda and snacks.
On any given day, you can find a gang of kids playing tag, building forts, or kicking the soccer ball around. The energy in our home is great. Kids always have fun.
And I have clear boundaries. I expect a certain level of emotional maturity from kids, even when they’re young. By ‘emotional maturity,’ I mean a willingness to contribute to the overall well-being of the environment. An ability to feel when one is sucking the air out of the room, and to stop doing that.
This has been a work in progress. With some kids, it comes easily. With others, it takes longer. The kids who take longer are coming out of entrenched patterns in their own homes where they are allowed to throw tantrums unchecked, or dominate and bully other children. When they come to my house, that behavior is not supported. We follow a different frequency that is based on truth and mutual thriving.
If one kid consistently pulls the energy out of alignment, I offer them opportunities to adjust. I do not cave to poor behavior. I hold the standard in my home. And because I am clear on my boundaries and expectations, and I can hold them in my body, kids respond beautifully. It might take a little time, but they usually come around.
The ones who don’t come around are the ones whose parents refuse to support their child in making the adjustment. These parents are not yet well-practiced at holding the same standard for their child that I do. That’s fine. It just means we need to part ways for a while. I am always happy to welcome a child back into my home once they can honor the ecosystem of the space I hold.
One young lady who is now a regular visitor initially attempted to have me do things for her that she was perfectly capable of doing for herself. Every time I would rewire the dynamic, she looked bewildered. Perhaps in her home where she is an only child, her parents do everything for her. Not in my house.
On her first visit, she said, ‘Sarah, can I have a Gogurt?’
‘Sure,’ I said.
She stared at me for a moment and then said, ‘Can you get it?’
‘No,’ I replied. ‘You can get it.’
‘But I don’t know where it is!’ she said dramatically.
‘It’s in the middle drawer of the refrigerator,’ I told her.
She said, ‘But I can’t open it!’
‘Of course you can,’ I said. ‘Just grab a pair of scissors and cut the top off.’
She paused, assessed the situation, then said, ‘Fine.’
She dragged her feet all the way to the refrigerator and took out a Gogurt. Then she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the top off. She was about to walk away when I said, ‘Wait! Please throw the top of the Gogurt in the trash.’
She paused, dragged her feet some more, and then made her way to the trash where she threw out her own garbage.
‘You’re hard,’ I heard her mumble as she walked away.
I took it as a compliment.
Within several visits, this young lady had figured out that she needed to do things for herself.
No, I was not going to bring her paper and crayons. She could grab them herself.
No, she could not leave her jacket, socks and boots strewn across my living room floor. She was expected to pick them up.
No, I would not tolerate her high-pitched screaming. She needed to respect the acoustic of the room and take it down many notches.
She has learned to adjust.
Now she is one of my favorite kids to have over. It took some entrainment. But these days, we laugh together, have touching conversations, and relate as authentic human beings. It is a joy to have her in my home.
Back to tantrums.
Do I hold space for them? Yes.
Do I enable them? No.
I can sit with a wildly dysregulated kid and not lose my center. I’ve done it many times.
But I can also slice through the excessive drama by staying rooted in my body and crystal clear in my communication.
A child who is purging honest, raw emotion is fine. But the second that kid begins generating more unnecessary hysteria, I cut it off. I am swift and unapologetic. It saves us both from avoidable suffering. And it is respectful of other people in the room.
While that might sound harsh, I assure you it is the kindest thing. There is no reason to let a histrionic child roil in painbody energy if the tantrum can be ended with one surgical slice.
I do this quite naturally now. I stay in my body, speak directly to the child, and do not get pulled into their emotional storm. I give them their options and consequences. I back those consequences up.
Usually, the kid gets up off the floor in minutes. I have a pretty good track record. They can go from crying hysterically to wiping their eyes and laughing in very little time. Witnessing a child make this transition is like watching them come out of a spell.
Parenting is an on-your-toes learning experience. We’re building the plane as we’re flying it. Finding that beautiful center-point requires an abundance of practice and refinement.
Yes, we want our children to feel their feelings. No, we do not want to enable them to take over the space with their dysregulation.
Yes, we want to offer our children freedom. No, we do not want them to eat so much candy they rot their teeth out.
It’s a feeling-game. You must drop into your body, trust your instincts, and find your voice.
I have always modeled my life practice to my children. When I am dysregulated, I own it. I show them how I release pent up energy safely, without dumping it on everyone else. I model my humanity, and I show up as the responsible adult.
Kids need love and boundaries. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. They are complementary aspects of one another. Boundaries enhance love, and love creates boundaries.
Children read this innately. And when it is demonstrated consistently, they learn to embody it themselves.
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This is helpful…most of my children’s lives, I did not parent this way, but have recently started.
I have three children, and my middle child is resistant to all of it.
He throws screaming fits at nearly 9 years old. He doesn’t seem to care about consequences and honestly, I don’t really know what consequences to give…my kids already don’t get very much screen time. I can barely get him to do his allotted chores.
I’m concerned for his future at this point.
We are also in family therapy and all of us have pointed out to him that he doesn’t act this way at school or in public or at his father’s house.
At first, when I started homeschooling, it got better and now I feel it has gotten worse, I think the fact that he has two different homes is making it quite difficult. Especially when there is ongoing abuse and trauma at the other house.
Lots of grief.
Beautifully written. As a teacher and senior leader, I find myself increasingly having to do this with dysregulsted children at school. You explain the process so clearly and helpfully. Thank you.